It's been a while...

The gaps between blog posts seem to be getting longer and longer, but I guess that is a good thing. I find that I don't have much to say about depression or anxiety at the moment. The depression side of my illness has all but disappeared I am glad to say. I don't dwell on the past anymore, I seem to have accepted that the mistakes I have made happened and there is nothing I can do about them anymore, so what is the point in the worrying about them?
As for anxiety, well, that is a different matter. I definitely struggle with this still. I have recently started a new temporary job with the Civil Aviation Authority which was due to last for a month but now looks like taking me through to September, which is fantastic. The work is pretty boring, but that's what I was after, really. No pressure. I still feel anxious sometimes though, what will people think of me, what if I do something wrong, something stupid? The difference between now and a few months ago is I am definitely more aware of these feelings of anxiety and am able to 'catch them' and explore the reasons behind them. If I can control the thing that is causing me anxiety, then I can do something about it. If I can do something about it, then the next step is to see whether or not I am prepared to do something about it. If so, great. If not, then I know I need to stop worrying about it.

I am constantly talking to myself (not out loud, that would be odd), reminding myself of the correct way to think. I have placed a number of inspiring quotes above my desk at work and use take time to stop and read these when I am feeling anxious, upset or angry.

My favourite quote is from Eminem:

Whatever you are going through, it could always be worse,
don't make the mistake of mistaking your blessing for a curse

Being aware of your feelings is the key, once you are aware you can act.

Explore. Dream. Discover

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"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the things you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."

So says Mark Twain, and although I don't have a scooby-doo what 'bowlines' or "trade winds' are, I think I understand his point. Life is for living, not sitting by and regretting missed chances later in life. I like to think that I am a very open-minded person, and as such I have read a lot of self-improvement books and visited similar websites since I became ill in the hope of inspiring myself to live a more fulfilling life.

Last year, in the lead up to my London to Paris bike ride, I went to a talk by adventurer Alaistair Humphreys who cycled around the world. He has also cycled from Pakistan to China, walked across India and competed in the Marathon des Sables (like a normal marathon - but in a desert!!), amongst other things. He is a passionate advocate of getting out there and making the most of life and has also taken some more local challenges such as walking a lap of the M25! The talk, about his round-the-world bike ride was hugely inspirational and I am now a frequent visitor to his website.

Another source of inspiration has come from writer/presenter Danny Wallace. I used to see this guy on telly and think he was a bit of a berk, but he is actually a genius. He started his very own movement, Join Me which is now thousands and thousands of members strong and all of these people are encouraged to perform random acts of kindness towards strangers. This has the power to make the giver feel extremely satisfied and content. He then wrote a book about saying Yes to everything, Yes Man which was equally innovative. In each of these books, he has put himself out there, left his comfort zone and done things that so-called 'normal' people would consider mad - but it has broadened his horizons and led to increased career opportunities and helped him deal with life.

I have now decided to compile a 'Bucket List' of sorts - now I hope that I have many more years left on this wonderful planet but there are many things I want to do, and I need to put them down in writing as a reminder to do them. I hope to achieve most of these before I am at least 40, but you never know. The list is short at the moment, I will add to it as and when I want.

I may even set up an independent blog to document my adventures and achievements, but for now here is my initial list.... why don't you do one too?

• cycle to every city in the United Kingdom in alphabetical order
• Be an extra in a film
• Visit every football league ground in England (the 92 challenge)
• Enter the World Quiz Championships
• Volunteer
• Write a book
• Make a short film
• Set a Guinness World Record (I don't know what yet)
• Appear on a TV Quiz/Game Show

Just Say No!

I recently attended a course on ‘Building Confidence and Communication Skills’ run by local charity ESRA. There were six of us in attendance and it was great to be in a room with other people who have been through similar problems to myself. For anyone suffering from a mental health illness it is always extremely encouraging to meet fellow sufferers as it helps to enforce the message that you are not alone.

The aim of the one-day course was to help us improve our confidence in communicating with other people, whether it be with our family, friends or colleagues and employers, with the specific aim of promoting assertiveness, i.e: learning to say ‘No!’

People, whether mentally ill or not, tend to fall into one of four catergories:

Passive, Passive-Agressive, Aggressive, Assertive

Passive people are often to scared to express their honest feelings and as such allow others to violate their rights.
Passive-Aggressive people are often unhappy with certain things but lack the confidence to tell people directly, what is bothering them. Instead they will indirectly convey their displeasure, often in the form of huffing, sighing or hint-dropping.

Aggressive people will stand up for themselves, but in a way that is usually inappropriate and upsets others’.

Assertive people meanwhile will stand up for themselves by expressing their feelings and thoughts directly and openly, in a way that is respectful to others.

Now the question is, which are you?

I am definitely a more passive character, with slight passive-aggressive tendencies too. I often find it hard to express my feelings openly and as a result end up commiting to things I’d rather not have. I find it hard to assert my opinions and am happy to go along with the crowd in order to avoid any debate or confrontation.

In order to enjoy a happier life, and a more peaceful mind, I need to improve my assertiveness. To do this I must accept that I have rights, and that other people have rights too. Someone can ask me to do something for them, but I don’t have to agree to do it. As long as I am respectful and polite I can do no more. How that person reacts to my response, I cannot control. This links in to some Buddhist thinking where they talk about motives. If your motive for something is good, then you can not worry about the consequences of your actions, there is no need for anxiety.

Another key point raised on the course was that no one event affects our happiness or state of mind, but rather our response to it.
Say you get fired from your job (been there, done that) – this is an event which many people would feel unhappy about, but only because they let it. You cannot control someone’s decision to employ you, but you can control how you will react to that decision. Instead of being angry and bitter, concentrate on the future and accept that these things happen and that there may have been a whole number of reasons for you losing your job which are not directly related to your performance.
It isn’t easy, and I am constantly trying to control the way I respond to events in my life. But when you find the correct response, it really does make you feel better.

UPDATE: I have had a couple of short-term temporary jobs and am actively looking for work. I am moving along with my plans to return to education and attended an Information Evening at Haywards Heath College on Tuesday evening re: doing an Access to HE course. Am starting to get very excited about it now!

SMILE!!!!

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I am happy, happier than I have felt for a while now. I am still out of work, stuck at home not doing much, just going out occasionally, but I am looking at things in a different way now. I have just finished reading 'The Art of Happiness' by His Holiness The Dalai Lama and American pyschiatrist Howard C.Cutler. It is an absolutely fascinating book and has changed my outlook on life completely. I didn't really know an awful lot about buddhism before picking the book up, but the theories behind there teachings are incredibly simple and reasonable. It isn't based on wishy-washy hokey-cokey weird crap like some religions are. It is simply based on logic.

One of the main teachings of the Dalai Lama is that anger and hatred are our enemies and serve no useful purpose in our lives. And they are right. When I was at Total last year, I had a very difficult relationship with one of my line manager's. She would constantly send snotty, rude e-mails belittling my work and scolding me for not having produced more than I had when the truth was I just didn't have the time to do anymore than I was. I got so angry with her and would respond to every unrealistic demand with a barrage of veiled criticism. In the meantime I would sit slumped at my desk, stewing on her emails and lamenting the unfairness of it all. I would then blame myself for being in such a situation because I didn't have a job I enjoyed. This cycle of anger and release just made me more and more miserable until eventually I couldn't cope.
Now I know how to deal with similar situations in the future. Life can be unfair, and some people can be rude and annoying but the correct thing to do is to respond with love and kindness. Hopefully then, the other person's anger will gradually diminish, but if not at least you have a calmer, more peacedul mind. For some, this comes naturally but not for me. It is something I must cultivate and practice. I must be aware of my feelings and not berate myself for them. The past has happened, and what will the future holds no-one knows. It is the present that counts.

I am looking for jobs now, and this causes a certain amount of anixety. I am fearful of approaching job agencies for a number of reasons, and I went through these with my therapist yesterday.
Many recruitment consultants come across as confident and over-bearing and I often worry that I won't be able to get my more reserved, but hopefully pleasant, personality across. I have also had a lot of jobs, many of them short-term and am concerned that this goes against me. My CBT therapist advised me to make a list of my past jobs and note down what I liked and what I didn't like and to also note the different parts of jobs I like and don't like. Once I have done this, I should be able to see a pattern and be able to approach agencies with more confidence and say, 'Look, I am good at this but not this, I like this but not this, so please try and find me something suitable.' I should then have a better chance of getting a job I'll enjoy. I'll let you know how I get on.

I am going to an open evening at Central Sussex College in March to find out more info about the Access to Uni course I hope to begin in September, so we'll see what happens there.

Whatever will be will be. I am not worried, for the first time in ages, and god does it feel good!

Jason

Challenges ahead

Since leaving my last job in November and seeking proper help for my problems with depression and anxiety I have begun to feel a lot better. Yes, there have been days when I have still felt low, sick and tired, but in the main I have felt happy and positive. I have socialised more, made positive decisions about the future based on what I actually want to do and so things are looking up.

There are challenges ahead though. I want to get back into employment as soon as I can. I am fed up of relying on handouts from my wonderful parents and benefits from the government. I am also getting a bit bored at home, daytime TV really is awful! So tomorrow, I am going to see a consultant at the Employment Support Retraining Agency (ESRA) in Redhill.
While I am confident that I could find a job on my own I would like to know if there are any companies that actively support people with mental health conditions or if there are particular jobs that suit people with such a condition. Unfortunately, I am not good under pressure. I don't deal with it very well but with a failing economy businesses are often expecting employees to work harder than is possible. This was certainly the case at Total Gas and Power where my workload was so heavy I couldn't see myself ever clearing it. Because of my lack of confidence, I blamed myself for this situation and heaped even more pressure upon my shoulders until I could no longer carry on. Although Total were supportive when I revealed my condition and the trouble I was having managing my workload, they didn't take any steps to decrease it. They just tried to help me deal with it differently, but this did not work.
At ASDA, there was also pressure. Working in a major supermarket in the lead up to Christmas = BUSY!! Although I hadn't been there long, they started leaving me on my own on the Music and Video department. While I probably should have seen this as a vote of confidence, my thoughts instead turned to 'how will I cope?', 'what happens if things go wrong?'. But, not wanting ASDA to know about my problems, I once again bottled it up until things finally came to a head and I broke down.

Hopefully I can find a place of work where I can learn to rebuild my confidence slowly but surely, and then maybe one day I can thrive in a pressurised environment. I guess we will just have to wait and see...

Educating Jason

Afternoon dear readers, hope you are well. This is my first post for a while as I have been trying to sort out my university application (which has now been postponed), then I got a little bit lazy and couldn't be bothered and when I finally did write a new post the other day, my internet crashed before I could upload it!!

So, anyway. How have you all been? Good, good. Me? Well, I have had to put uni off for another year as it turns out my A-Levels aren't good enough to do the course I want to. I had, mistakenly, thought that as a mature student the rules about qualifications were a lot more relaxed. I was wrong. I needed between 280 and 360 UCAS points (I have just 220) and at least a C in my chosen degree subject, history (I got a D at A Level and the same grade in my other subject, English). But, fear not, there is another option available and I shall instead attend college in September to study an Access to Higher Education Course in Humanities. This should prove excellent preparation for life at uni, so I am happy enough.

I have been feeling a lot more positive since the new year. The decision to return to education has given me a focus and the feeling that I still have the chance to end up in a job that I will enjoy, and that will fulfill me.
Over Christmas my mood dropped and I think this was a direct result of not going out as much. Since I started seeing my CBT therapist he has been stressing the importance of 'activity'. I have been attending my writing group on a Thursday night, which I really enjoy and also went to the monthly pub quiz with Redhill and Reigate Social group. I am also going to get back into cycling with the Crawley Wheelers as I need to exercise more regularly and eat better.

Anyway, that's enough from me for now.

Over and out, Jason

New Year Resolutions!

In 2013, I want to be able to build upon the achievements of the past year  and continue the progress that I have made in coping with my depression. I managed to lose 2 stone in weight in training for my ride to Paris but since finishing that at the end of September I have not done much in the way of exercise. The last thing I want is for all that weight to pile back on and waste all the good work I did. So, getting back into a regular routine of exercise is my first goal of the new year. More specifically: lose another 2 stone. If I managed it once I can manage it again. It may be that I need to sign up for another ‘challenge’ to motivate me though! If anyone has any ideas, let me know!!

I am of course out of work now, and once I feel well enough I will need to look at getting back into employment. I hope to work on this with my therapist in the new year and hopefully I will be able to get back to earning as soon as possible – I have to balance this with the fact that I cannot rush things, my health is more important than anything.

I also need to concentrate on my writing, but primarily as a hobby and not get too worked up about the possibility of earning money from it. It is something that I enjoy and something that I am good at. So I should do it as much as possible. I know I can dedicate more time to it. Playing less championship manager and watching less crap telly would help!

Last year taught me that a lot than change in 12 months, a lot can be achieved. If I can be healthier and happier this time next year, then I’ll be delighted. Things won’t be perfect in 12 months’ time but if I can look back and be proud of the effort I have put in, then that is all I can ask for.

I wish you all the best with your new year resolutions or any other goals you may have in progress already.

If you wish to share them, then please feel free to post on here and we can all keep each other going!

Happy 2013, Jason x

 

 

Look back and say well done...

My therapist has asked me to note down two positives from each day as part of my recovery. The idea is to train my brain to notice the positives first, as opposed to the negatives which I currently do. So with that in mind I thought I would reflect on the year gone by and think about the positives that have come from it.

The outstanding positive of the past year was completing the London to Paris bike ride in September. I had eagerly signed up to the event when announced by my then employers Total Gas and Power in April. I needed to get fit and more importantly, I needed motivation. Agreeing to ride 240 miles in exchange for people donating their hard-earned money is motivation indeed.

In an uncharacteristic fit of proactiveness I went out and bought a new road bike and plucked up the courage to join the local cycling club. I cycled most weekends and then over three days in September I managed to cycle from Redhill in Surrey to Paris. Approximately 240 miles in 3 days, in abysmal conditions and while fighting constant punctures and minor crashes as well as the human desire to give up when the going got tough. I am extremely proud of the achievement and the £682.50 I raised for the mental health charity, MIND.

I also met lots of new people through the cycling club, the Crawley Wheelers, which was great. It gave me something to do, and I am determined to get back out on my bike again in the New Year for that reason alone.

 I did have a severe relapse in my depression half way through the year, causing me to have time off work. A positive did come from this though, in that I opened up about my illness to my employers’ and colleagues and this has helped me work through things. The reaction from everyone was surprisingly good, I had been led to believe by the media and charities that I would be cast out like a witch or something! Unfortunately, some people do still react negatively towards depression, but I was lucky enough not to experience this (bar the odd exception, but I lost no sleep over them!).

 

 Later in the year I got a part-time job at ASDA so I could spend a few days a week working on my writing. I thought this would make me happier. But I didn't spend the time off writing, I spent it with Joey, Chandler, Ross, Pheobe, Monica and Rachel!! This caused me immense anxiety and led to a relapse in my depression as a result. I have now sought help from a CBT therapist and am hopeful that I can work out my problems in the coming months.

If I can sum up the past 12 months then I guess I have to be proud that, although I am still unwell, I have made huge strides towards beating my depression. Where a negative has occurred, I have managed to either find a positive or make strides towards doing so. At the start of 2012 I was merely plodding along letting my problems boil just beneath the surface. Now I have managed to open up, recognise that things must change, and sought help to work things out. As a result, I have renewed hope and optimism for 2013. Plus, all that bike riding lost me 2 stone. Get in!

Happy New Year everyone!!!

 

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Merry Xmas!!

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Love it or hate it, xmas is just 3 days away. I hope you all have a happy holidays. Christmas however, can be a difficult time for those who suffere from depression, anxiety and any other mental health disorder. I am constantly aware that no matter how much I have been through or how low I can sometimes feel, I have always had my family there for me. Without my mum, dad and brother Steven I really don't think I would be here now. Some people aren't so lucky and I can only hope that anyone spending christmas alone can try and get through the period without giving up. A new year is on the horizon and you have to hope that it will be a year for change, that is my intention.

 

I am still planning on uni next summer, although I have been feeling very anxious these last couple of days at the thought of telling my parents' and actually preparing the application. Constantly having to bat away the self-doubts that zoom in on a regular basis.

 

Anyhow, take care and have a good xmas. Speak next week.

 

J x

 

 



Decisions, Decisions

 

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Ssince I have been depressed I have found it difficult to make decisions. I tend to veer from one decision to another without being able to stick with one until such a time as I feel so overwhelmed that I can't make the right decision.

I have been thinking about going to university next year. I never went first time round, deciding instead to study journalism at college, and have often wondered whether I should have. The trouble is, I want a job, and ideally a career, that will fulfill me. Yes I want to be a writer eventually, but I am realistic enough to know that many published authors have to work in another job too.

A lot of the jobs I like the look of tend to want graduates. If I go to uni I will be able to learn the skills that employers want and have a better chance of getting a job I am likely to enjoy. In theory, this should then help me to feel happier with my life. If it doesn't work out, then well, fine. That's thw way life goes. I am still young, and that is something I have neglected to understand so far. I have always felt in a rush and that I need to be settled in a certain career and married with kids by a particular time. If I do go to uni next year I'll be 28 when I start, which means I will be a couple months shy of 31 by the time I graduate in 2016. With the retirement age for men currently at 65 and set to rise in the coming decades I'll probably still have 40 odd years of working life left!!

I need to accept that what has happened has happened, I am still young and that it is time to start doing the things I want to do rather than what I think people think I should do.

An Introduction

Hello, I'm Jason (that's me above proudly parading the only trophy I have ever won in my life!). I am 27 years old and suffer from depression and anxiety and have done for more than 5 years now.

I am also an aspiring writer, so I decided to channel my thoughts into blog posts. Hopefully this will help me get better, but I also hope it will help more people understand what it is like to live with depression. I will try to be funny at times too, and I apologise in advance if my idea of funny does not corrolate with yours.

I was diagnosed with depression in late 2007, although looking back knowing what I do now, I have probably suffered from the illness since 2002/03. I have been taking medication and trying to live a more healthy lifestyle but alone these will not make me better. I have not addressed the issues that caused me to withdraw from society.

Now I will. Following another recent breakdown I have sought the help of a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist (CBT) therapist. Together we aim to change my behaviour (what I do: such as socialising, hobbies, work) and then challenge my thinking (cognitive) in relation to those activities (how I feel: am I any good, do people like me etc...)

I am taking time out of employment to concentrate on this, as I have found it difficult to work in the last year with this cloud over me.

This blog is a record of my attempts to manage my depression, if I can't beat the damn thing altogether!!

Feel free to comment.

Thanks for reading (especially those of you who have been reading my previous attempt at a depression blog - I shall try to not to cover the same ground!)