I am happy, happier than I have felt for a while now. I am still out of work, stuck at home not doing much, just going out occasionally, but I am looking at things in a different way now. I have just finished reading 'The Art of Happiness' by His Holiness The Dalai Lama and American pyschiatrist Howard C.Cutler. It is an absolutely fascinating book and has changed my outlook on life completely. I didn't really know an awful lot about buddhism before picking the book up, but the theories behind there teachings are incredibly simple and reasonable. It isn't based on wishy-washy hokey-cokey weird crap like some religions are. It is simply based on logic.
One of the main teachings of the Dalai Lama is that anger and hatred are our enemies and serve no useful purpose in our lives. And they are right. When I was at Total last year, I had a very difficult relationship with one of my line manager's. She would constantly send snotty, rude e-mails belittling my work and scolding me for not having produced more than I had when the truth was I just didn't have the time to do anymore than I was. I got so angry with her and would respond to every unrealistic demand with a barrage of veiled criticism. In the meantime I would sit slumped at my desk, stewing on her emails and lamenting the unfairness of it all. I would then blame myself for being in such a situation because I didn't have a job I enjoyed. This cycle of anger and release just made me more and more miserable until eventually I couldn't cope.
Now I know how to deal with similar situations in the future. Life can be unfair, and some people can be rude and annoying but the correct thing to do is to respond with love and kindness. Hopefully then, the other person's anger will gradually diminish, but if not at least you have a calmer, more peacedul mind. For some, this comes naturally but not for me. It is something I must cultivate and practice. I must be aware of my feelings and not berate myself for them. The past has happened, and what will the future holds no-one knows. It is the present that counts.
I am looking for jobs now, and this causes a certain amount of anixety. I am fearful of approaching job agencies for a number of reasons, and I went through these with my therapist yesterday.
Many recruitment consultants come across as confident and over-bearing and I often worry that I won't be able to get my more reserved, but hopefully pleasant, personality across. I have also had a lot of jobs, many of them short-term and am concerned that this goes against me. My CBT therapist advised me to make a list of my past jobs and note down what I liked and what I didn't like and to also note the different parts of jobs I like and don't like. Once I have done this, I should be able to see a pattern and be able to approach agencies with more confidence and say, 'Look, I am good at this but not this, I like this but not this, so please try and find me something suitable.' I should then have a better chance of getting a job I'll enjoy. I'll let you know how I get on.
I am going to an open evening at Central Sussex College in March to find out more info about the Access to Uni course I hope to begin in September, so we'll see what happens there.
Whatever will be will be. I am not worried, for the first time in ages, and god does it feel good!
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