Look back and say well done...

My therapist has asked me to note down two positives from each day as part of my recovery. The idea is to train my brain to notice the positives first, as opposed to the negatives which I currently do. So with that in mind I thought I would reflect on the year gone by and think about the positives that have come from it.

The outstanding positive of the past year was completing the London to Paris bike ride in September. I had eagerly signed up to the event when announced by my then employers Total Gas and Power in April. I needed to get fit and more importantly, I needed motivation. Agreeing to ride 240 miles in exchange for people donating their hard-earned money is motivation indeed.

In an uncharacteristic fit of proactiveness I went out and bought a new road bike and plucked up the courage to join the local cycling club. I cycled most weekends and then over three days in September I managed to cycle from Redhill in Surrey to Paris. Approximately 240 miles in 3 days, in abysmal conditions and while fighting constant punctures and minor crashes as well as the human desire to give up when the going got tough. I am extremely proud of the achievement and the £682.50 I raised for the mental health charity, MIND.

I also met lots of new people through the cycling club, the Crawley Wheelers, which was great. It gave me something to do, and I am determined to get back out on my bike again in the New Year for that reason alone.

 I did have a severe relapse in my depression half way through the year, causing me to have time off work. A positive did come from this though, in that I opened up about my illness to my employers’ and colleagues and this has helped me work through things. The reaction from everyone was surprisingly good, I had been led to believe by the media and charities that I would be cast out like a witch or something! Unfortunately, some people do still react negatively towards depression, but I was lucky enough not to experience this (bar the odd exception, but I lost no sleep over them!).

 

 Later in the year I got a part-time job at ASDA so I could spend a few days a week working on my writing. I thought this would make me happier. But I didn't spend the time off writing, I spent it with Joey, Chandler, Ross, Pheobe, Monica and Rachel!! This caused me immense anxiety and led to a relapse in my depression as a result. I have now sought help from a CBT therapist and am hopeful that I can work out my problems in the coming months.

If I can sum up the past 12 months then I guess I have to be proud that, although I am still unwell, I have made huge strides towards beating my depression. Where a negative has occurred, I have managed to either find a positive or make strides towards doing so. At the start of 2012 I was merely plodding along letting my problems boil just beneath the surface. Now I have managed to open up, recognise that things must change, and sought help to work things out. As a result, I have renewed hope and optimism for 2013. Plus, all that bike riding lost me 2 stone. Get in!

Happy New Year everyone!!!

 

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Merry Xmas!!

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Love it or hate it, xmas is just 3 days away. I hope you all have a happy holidays. Christmas however, can be a difficult time for those who suffere from depression, anxiety and any other mental health disorder. I am constantly aware that no matter how much I have been through or how low I can sometimes feel, I have always had my family there for me. Without my mum, dad and brother Steven I really don't think I would be here now. Some people aren't so lucky and I can only hope that anyone spending christmas alone can try and get through the period without giving up. A new year is on the horizon and you have to hope that it will be a year for change, that is my intention.

 

I am still planning on uni next summer, although I have been feeling very anxious these last couple of days at the thought of telling my parents' and actually preparing the application. Constantly having to bat away the self-doubts that zoom in on a regular basis.

 

Anyhow, take care and have a good xmas. Speak next week.

 

J x

 

 



Decisions, Decisions

 

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Ssince I have been depressed I have found it difficult to make decisions. I tend to veer from one decision to another without being able to stick with one until such a time as I feel so overwhelmed that I can't make the right decision.

I have been thinking about going to university next year. I never went first time round, deciding instead to study journalism at college, and have often wondered whether I should have. The trouble is, I want a job, and ideally a career, that will fulfill me. Yes I want to be a writer eventually, but I am realistic enough to know that many published authors have to work in another job too.

A lot of the jobs I like the look of tend to want graduates. If I go to uni I will be able to learn the skills that employers want and have a better chance of getting a job I am likely to enjoy. In theory, this should then help me to feel happier with my life. If it doesn't work out, then well, fine. That's thw way life goes. I am still young, and that is something I have neglected to understand so far. I have always felt in a rush and that I need to be settled in a certain career and married with kids by a particular time. If I do go to uni next year I'll be 28 when I start, which means I will be a couple months shy of 31 by the time I graduate in 2016. With the retirement age for men currently at 65 and set to rise in the coming decades I'll probably still have 40 odd years of working life left!!

I need to accept that what has happened has happened, I am still young and that it is time to start doing the things I want to do rather than what I think people think I should do.

An Introduction

Hello, I'm Jason (that's me above proudly parading the only trophy I have ever won in my life!). I am 27 years old and suffer from depression and anxiety and have done for more than 5 years now.

I am also an aspiring writer, so I decided to channel my thoughts into blog posts. Hopefully this will help me get better, but I also hope it will help more people understand what it is like to live with depression. I will try to be funny at times too, and I apologise in advance if my idea of funny does not corrolate with yours.

I was diagnosed with depression in late 2007, although looking back knowing what I do now, I have probably suffered from the illness since 2002/03. I have been taking medication and trying to live a more healthy lifestyle but alone these will not make me better. I have not addressed the issues that caused me to withdraw from society.

Now I will. Following another recent breakdown I have sought the help of a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist (CBT) therapist. Together we aim to change my behaviour (what I do: such as socialising, hobbies, work) and then challenge my thinking (cognitive) in relation to those activities (how I feel: am I any good, do people like me etc...)

I am taking time out of employment to concentrate on this, as I have found it difficult to work in the last year with this cloud over me.

This blog is a record of my attempts to manage my depression, if I can't beat the damn thing altogether!!

Feel free to comment.

Thanks for reading (especially those of you who have been reading my previous attempt at a depression blog - I shall try to not to cover the same ground!)