Just Say No!

I recently attended a course on ‘Building Confidence and Communication Skills’ run by local charity ESRA. There were six of us in attendance and it was great to be in a room with other people who have been through similar problems to myself. For anyone suffering from a mental health illness it is always extremely encouraging to meet fellow sufferers as it helps to enforce the message that you are not alone.

The aim of the one-day course was to help us improve our confidence in communicating with other people, whether it be with our family, friends or colleagues and employers, with the specific aim of promoting assertiveness, i.e: learning to say ‘No!’

People, whether mentally ill or not, tend to fall into one of four catergories:

Passive, Passive-Agressive, Aggressive, Assertive

Passive people are often to scared to express their honest feelings and as such allow others to violate their rights.
Passive-Aggressive people are often unhappy with certain things but lack the confidence to tell people directly, what is bothering them. Instead they will indirectly convey their displeasure, often in the form of huffing, sighing or hint-dropping.

Aggressive people will stand up for themselves, but in a way that is usually inappropriate and upsets others’.

Assertive people meanwhile will stand up for themselves by expressing their feelings and thoughts directly and openly, in a way that is respectful to others.

Now the question is, which are you?

I am definitely a more passive character, with slight passive-aggressive tendencies too. I often find it hard to express my feelings openly and as a result end up commiting to things I’d rather not have. I find it hard to assert my opinions and am happy to go along with the crowd in order to avoid any debate or confrontation.

In order to enjoy a happier life, and a more peaceful mind, I need to improve my assertiveness. To do this I must accept that I have rights, and that other people have rights too. Someone can ask me to do something for them, but I don’t have to agree to do it. As long as I am respectful and polite I can do no more. How that person reacts to my response, I cannot control. This links in to some Buddhist thinking where they talk about motives. If your motive for something is good, then you can not worry about the consequences of your actions, there is no need for anxiety.

Another key point raised on the course was that no one event affects our happiness or state of mind, but rather our response to it.
Say you get fired from your job (been there, done that) – this is an event which many people would feel unhappy about, but only because they let it. You cannot control someone’s decision to employ you, but you can control how you will react to that decision. Instead of being angry and bitter, concentrate on the future and accept that these things happen and that there may have been a whole number of reasons for you losing your job which are not directly related to your performance.
It isn’t easy, and I am constantly trying to control the way I respond to events in my life. But when you find the correct response, it really does make you feel better.

UPDATE: I have had a couple of short-term temporary jobs and am actively looking for work. I am moving along with my plans to return to education and attended an Information Evening at Haywards Heath College on Tuesday evening re: doing an Access to HE course. Am starting to get very excited about it now!